Good morrow lemmings, or should I say bore da? We’re in Cardiff, so let’s hope Dimbleby doesn’t get swallowed up by the space/time rift in its centre! And can someone please get rid of that ugly rug on the floor of the studio? I want it burned. Thanks.
Our first question is, as it seems to be every week, about the continuing trials and tribulations of Ed Miliband. Gosh, they just never end! Panellist number one is the up-and-coming young heartthrob Stephen Crabb. So far the only thing I’ve actually heard about him is the fact that he has a immaculately well-groomed beard. Every article and profile about him is required to mention his facial hair by law. In fairness, it is incredibly mesmerising. He’ll do fine, just as long as he doesn’t mime the Welsh national anthem.
Anyway, he’s pleased as punch with Ed’s performance. Keep on keepin’ on, Ed! He’s “not ready” to be Prime Minister, apparently, which raises the question – when does someone become ‘ready’ to be PM? Do you have to win a race, or an arm-wrestling contest? Is there phasing involved? The paddling of the swollen ass, with paddles?
Kirsty Williams, the superheroically boring leader of the Welsh Lib Dems (must be a lonely job) says Labour is responsible for ruining everything. I think she’s trying to be a poor man’s Leanne Wood, but we’ll get to her later. Rod Liddle replies that Labour is fine, it’s Ed who is the problem. He’s a nice guy, but basically a hopeless nerd. This whole ‘doesn’t he look weird!’ guffawing about poor Eddie is somewhat cruel, methinks. Yes, let’s all point and laugh at the nerd! Not that I would know how that feels or anything…Rod says that he voted for Andy Burnham for leader, presumably because he is much prettier and has a dreamy ~werkin’ class~ accent.
‘Cuddly’ Carwyn Jones interrupts to shake his head like a sad grandpa. It was the world that was in depression, not just the UK – the credit crunch wasn’t merely the result of Gordon Brown’s miserable face making us all cry ourselves into an economic slump. Meanwhile, taking her cues from the grumbly Welsh audience (in Welsh, even grumbles are melodic) Leanne Wood is yelling from the left. She’d quite like to hook up with Alex Salmond for a glorious new revolution. All these beautiful Welsh accents make you want to start singing and shouting florid oratory, don’t they? No? Just me? Well screw all y’all.
Moving on, our next question is on convicted rapist and general shithead Ched Evans. Leanne, who is eager to assume the role of national hero for the night, says that while she generally supports giving people fresh out of prison second chances – this guy? Gross! No way! We should be thinking of the victim instead. Sage nodding from the crowd.
Then Rod Liddle makes a complete arse of himself by sticking two fingers up to being sensible. Citing ‘political correctness’, he throws a whiny baby temper tantrum and generally looks like a dick. Yeah, taking rape seriously is pretty politically correct! Pshh, rape, it’s not a big deal. You’ll be out of prison in a jiffy, if you even get there in the first place, and back to your old job in no time! Perhaps the fact that footballers get away with drink driving and manslaughter should be taken seriously, too, Rod, not used as an excuse. But whatever, what do I know, it doesn’t matter! He only plays in the third division!
In response, Kirsty Williams screeches at Rod like a enraged bat in a lump of guano. I guess you could say she’s got Rod Rage.
Next question: NHS Wales! Stephen suavely and somewhat predictably claims, while sadly not stroking his beard, that it’s gone tits-up. How dare Labour claim to be the party of the NHS. It’s not as if they created it or anything. Carwyn counters comprehensively by stating that budget cuts are down to the Tories slashing all the d0lla bill$$$. But Stephen isn’t going down without a fight – he wants an inquiry into the Welsh NHS! Where’s the inquiry, Carwyn? Carwyn punches back! Jeremy Hunt is such a…Hunt. Wait, where did this question start again?
The crowd is braying for someone’s, anyone’s, head. They want the panel to listen to the oiks. At that precise moment, Leanne descends from the heavens, places her hands on her true believers’ heads and whispers that…she cares. No…Plaid Cymru cares. With their cute little flower logo. Such caring. So listening. Wow.
Also she really is complimenting Scotland tonight. Leanne Wood/Alex Salmond OTP.
Kirsty is trying to construct a tiff with Stephen. She hates the ‘language of Westminster’ tending to diss the NHS – instead, let’s all work together in a lovely coalition! But you still all suck. Nothing personal.
Stephen won’t be stopped. “David Cameron speaks with nothing but respect and he values the people on the front line -” and then there is the most derisive laughter I have ever heard on this programme thus far. Rod is laughing the hardest. His main role in this edition has been that of ‘internet troll’. Thanks Rod. You’ve done the job.
As for the final two questions? The first is about sandwiches. It is so ridiculous I didn’t even bother making any notes on it. The word ‘sandwich’ has been used more in five minutes than it has in the rest of Question Time’s 35 year history. There’s also one about devolution – some of the panel, and the audience, are thoroughly sick of all these referendums, and especially the diddly dang West Lothian question. The consensus is for Wales to get some of the sweet, sweet nectar that Scotland enjoys, and Leanne will fight and fight again until she can fall into its honeyed embrace. And presumably Alex Salmond’s embrace. England can go heck itself. Mic drop, walk away.
Then the show ends and a cameraman is bewitched by a statue. #aesthetic
Time for the scores!
(At least she) Appeared-y
The Crowd: 7/10
Weird-y (it’s the accents!)
Next time has…Andy Burnham! And the first ever UKIP MP I guess. But more importantly, Andy Burnham!! Only squealing fangirls allowed in!!!! SQUEEEE!!!!!!!!
Next week Lemmings, next week…